How Did I Get Here?

We are T - minus 36 days away from my oldest child's wedding.  I just realized that the burgundy dress I ordered months back won't work with the applicable wedding attire because it 1. has silver sparkles all over it and 2.  there's not much if any burgundy used in the wedding decor! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Having a conversation with a sweet lady a few weeks ago brought back a very vivid memory from my past.  I'm going to warn you, this may be a little controversial or uncomfortable for some and this post isn't for everyone.  Starting this blog, I knew I'd be very vulnerable and open about myself and it isn't always easy. My blog is to remind you that you aren't alone in the battles you face on this side of heaven.  I'm sharing with you my experiences and what helped me.  I'm not providing any medical advice to anyone.  Always seek advice from a licensed physician.Shortly after my husband and I separated, I started having a very vivid and dark reoccurring nightmare.  I always dreamed that I was deeply in love with this mystery man.  I can see his face, body build, everything to this very day.  Things instantly turned very ominous in my dream. Almost like  natural instinct, I'd start running and hiding from him the moment he'd stop smiling. His intention was to kill me.  I knew what was truly in his heart...death and destruction.  

Many moons ago, when I was about 4 years old, I wandered off from my Mom at the local Walmart.  It's one of the very very few memories I can recall from that young age.  Panic set in and obviously I lost my SHHH...crap as any small child would in that situation.  I was terrified that I had been abandoned.  Thankfully, a kind worker took me to the service desk and called for the parent of Kelley to come to the service desk.  Mom was there in a matter of seconds.  She picked me up off the counter, hugged me tight and reassured me she would never leave me. 

Folks, I had a whole blog about the wonders of Friday!  It's a great day of the week, don't you think?  Then it hit...chills, fever, aches and an unrelenting headache. Around 3PM yesterday, I wilted like that unwatered flower sitting in that tiny vase on my table.   I went straight to bed after work and didn't move until 2:30PM Saturday.  I've been go, go, go for several weeks now.  I wanted so much to visit my friends Friday night, but God had other plans for me.  To be completely honest, I needed the rest.  I needed everything to stop for a hot minute.

The summer is flying by and I want it to slooooooooow down.  I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy it this year.  I miss those long summer nights sitting around a fire, listening to my kiddo strumming his guitar and the conversations filled with laughter from the friends and family surrounding the fire pit. 

For the past 365ish days I have been looking forward to my birthday, my future daughter-in-law's birthday and her bachelorette party. In case you didn't know, she and I share our birthday AND my son asked her to marry him on our birthday a year ago.  I knew the days leading up to her 21st birthday and my 50th birthday would be full of anticipation and excitement.  The last two weekends have been more than I ever could have imagined.  The outpouring of love, support and well wishes we've both received was nothing short of just magical.  When I say my heart is full...I mean spilling over and beyond containment.  So, this post may be short, but the sentiment behind it is not.  I cannot come up with strong enough words to thank everyone for being a blessing to Makylee and me.  I can't thank Makylee enough for loving my son the way she does, for being the mommy she is to my grandbaby Bo and for being my daughter I always needed.  Fifty has started off with a bang and I'm so excited for what's ahead!  I'll share some photos from the last two weekends.  I want all my readers to be a part of my life as much as possible.  Like I said, I'll share the good, bad, ugly and especially the really really good.  Love you all!

Well friends, tonight I find myself sitting in the parking lot of this little movie theater aptly named Parisian Movie Theater.  It's aptly named that because I've ventured to Paris, Tn to watch a movie with a friend.

If the title caught your attention...I hope you giggled like a kid, because I did.  I can remember saying this to my middle school girlfriends like we were the coolest girls created.  Back then, I had the opinion that guys just weren't as cool as girls. As a Mama of boys, that's changed.  I'd also like to think I've matured a little bit since 7th grade.  But, who knows...some days...nah!!  

Last night I was doom scrolling tik tok and came across a video that stopped me in my scrolling tracks.  I didn't save it and I wish I had. It showed 9 types of Christians when they meet Jesus for the first time in heaven.  The video suggested some will bombard him with hugs, some will be "fancy" and kiss each cheek, some will be "aggressive" huggers picking him up off the ground in giant bear hugs, some will immediately start talking about anything and everything, etc.  The one that touched me most and I instantly knew I would be this one...the "bawler".  When I meet him I know I'll lose all composure and cry like a baby.  Magnificent tears of joy, gratitude, and this enormous love for him.  Gosh...Jesus bumps are forming on my arms right now as I type.  It's like that song, "I can only imagine".  

Before I became a Christian my heart was closed off and calloused.  I was arrogant, prideful and cold. Once I gave my heart to Jesus fully I saw the world through a different lense.  My heart saw people as who really they are...flawed, imperfect, hurting.  I knew then that I wanted to be the light to those struggling in their times of need.  But how does one transform into the person you're being called to be instead of the equally flawed version of the old you?

This is my absolutely favorite picture of my boys.  It doesn't show smiling faces or crazy antics.  It's a simple snapped shot I took of 3 brothers, linked together arm in arm, supporting each other, loving each other and enjoying the simplest of things life has to offer.  The boys had so much fun on that hay ride that day.  The picture was taken the September before their Dad and I failed them.  

I can remember a time as a young woman in my early twenties, I was rigid and inflexible and NEVER open to any type of change or transformation in my life.  I loved my comfort zone and fought tooth and nail to keep everything consistent and steady.  I'd shrink myself to fit in or I would steam roll others to ensure things stayed exactly the way I wanted.  I had to control every single outcome.  It was exhausting.