He Ain't Heavy...He's My Brother

This is my absolutely favorite picture of my boys.  It doesn't show smiling faces or crazy antics.  It's a simple snapped shot I took of 3 brothers, linked together arm in arm, supporting each other, loving each other and enjoying the simplest of things life has to offer.  The boys had so much fun on that hay ride the that day.  The picture was taken the September before their Dad and I failed them.  

Yes, I said we failed them.  We were both raised in Godly homes and we were both Christians.  Somewhere along the way we allowed more important things push their way into our home and marriage.  It's been 11 years since their lives were completely changed forever and I still carry the feeling of failure.  I don't know if I'll ever let all that go.  Once their Dad moved out, I vowed to myself to never let those precious boys down.  I wasn't successful but I tried every day to be better.  You've heard me say that before and I'll say it again and again.  Each day is a day where I can do better and be better than the day before.  I've learned that I can't change the past, it's not my responsibility to look back at the past with heartache and I'm responsible for choosing faith over fear every day.  

I felt led to write out my testimony at the first of the year.  I took it in 3 parts (ironic since I have 3 sons).  I wrote about early childhood and family changes once Dad dedicated his life to serve God as a Baptist minister.  I wrote about my young adulthood, marriage and the ending of that marriage.  I've started writing about my life after divorce and things that have happened in the present tense.  That piece isn't finished.  I'm not sure what I'll do with those writings some day, if anything.  I quickly realized God was using those writings to reveal his presence during every stage, every major change, every loss and every gift.  The process deepened my relationship with God and gave me the courage to begin the blog.  

As I recounted the events of 2015, the separation, divorce and life at home in the aftermath of the implosion, I realized that God blessed me with the most perfect and beautiful sons to navigate the new us.  More than once, each son individually caught me crying and gave me the biggest hug their little arms could muster. As they held me tight they shared their unconditional love for their Mama. The boys always knew something I didn't.  They knew how to show love with no strings attached.  I started loving them much more intentionally after that.  It wasn't about making sure they had every hearts desire, it was just about being there when they needed me.

While I regret that my marriage failed, I can see so much beauty that was created from the ashes.  The boys stopped getting the work focused, constantly on the go, stressed out Mama.  I was there, locked in and present.  I was blessed and am still being blessed by being so close to all 3 of them today.  My oldest is 22, my middle is 20 and my baby is 16.  I think they enjoy my company and I know I love theirs. 

I can't tell you the exact point of this post today.  I guess I'm in my "feels" as the young kids say, or do they say that any more??   I feel eternally grateful for being the parent that got to be there for all the things...good and bad. The last 11 years as a single parent had its challenges but it was worth everything I've gained in return.  I'm still present, still enjoying every minute of their lives.  I do love them being older and creating their own lives.  But don't get it twisted, I'm enjoying watching it all unfold from the sidelines.  I love more than anything the phone calls I get to come over and "hang" out with them.  So cool.  

If you ever feel like you've failed as a parent, you're joining a very large crowd.  We all fall short.  What we do about it going forward is what truly matters. The love my boys had as innocent children will carry them forward long after I'm gone.  Love, sweet unconditional love... that's the point.

Love you guys!

Kelley