I'm NO expert when it comes to all things related to love and dating these days. I've often told my close friends that if you stick me in a room with 100 perfect men and one imperfect man, I'll pick the broken, unhealed one EVERY time. I'm a fixer, a people pleaser, big hearted, deep thinking, anxiety driven imperfect woman. So, it would make sense that I always choose the one that needs "fixing". Don't get me wrong, I realize that none of us are perfect. It's just an analogy based on my past experiences with the opposite sex. Like I said, I'm no expert in this field. I have, however, learned a few things since I started dipping my toes back into the dating pool.
I began tip-toeing into the dating world for the middle-aged aka "adult dating" about seven months ago. I quickly discovered that a lot of singles are not looking for the committed long term relationship. Just like fast food, most relationships are luke-warm, rapidly moved in and out the proverbial "dating window" and just plain distasteful. It seems so unnatural and I've had to sit with my thoughts to try to figure out the "why" of it all.
At first, I wanted to place a lot of the blame on the way our generation was raised. Us Generation X adults were raised differently. We're the hose drinkers, the outside until the porch light came on kids, the independent kids raised by single parents or both parents with full time jobs. Somewhere along the way many men were not taught to be protective leaders in the home environment and women were raised to be independent, tough-as-nails women. After further reflection, I think we've been raised to survive the ever changing societal expectations. Our parents did the best they could to make us ready for our futures. I know that's how I've raised my sons while preparing them for their future adult lives. Their world, filled with AI, Chat GPT, apps for everything, etc., is much different than the one I was raised in.
Honestly, I never landed on a good answer as to "WHY" the relationship goals have changed so much among the middle-aged these days. Instead, I've discovered that most of us adult daters are completely flawed and somewhat broken individuals. People in general have a hard time being self aware of their insecurities or healed from past life experiences. We have been hurt and the fear causes us to stuff our pain down deep pretending it doesn't exist. In our need to protect ourselves, we refuse to heal or hold ourselves accountable for our own actions.
So, I ask you to ponder this question...At what point do we stop allowing our brokenness to remain and define us, accepting the half broken versions of ourselves? Instead, let's challenge each other start healing from past traumas, pain and flaws and become strong, compassionate, ever evolving individuals. By leaning into Christ we can do "All Things", including self-reflect, find a peace about past experiences and mend the brokenness inside us. Let's be real, God didn't create us for situationships, friends with benefits or any other half-cocked hair-brained relationship. By design, he created us to love one another, partner with one another and spread his word to the world. We cannot do that with broken hearts or unaligned lifestyles.
When I went through my divorce, I was heartbroken and changed in ways that I didn't realize until I started searching for the next "Mr. Right". Unbeknownst to me, I had developed a need to be validated by another individual, an abandonment fear and an inability to trust. I thought I was healing during the time I chose to be single and handled all my issues. I quickly realized, after connecting with an individual, I needed further healing and to be mindful of my insecurities.
I leaned into God and his word for healing the broken pieces that still remained. As I drew closer to God, he opened my eyes and my HEART to forgiveness, acceptance and accountability. I'll be honest, there were many sleepless nights full of agonizing prayers asking for a total reprieve of the chains binding my spirit and heart. Once I learned to fully give all my burdens him, he gave me that precious peace over it. Not only is God healing me, he's given me a new sense of self awareness that allows me to love completely once again.
While I may not have answered the original question as to WHY our generation finds it hard to commit and love. I do know that if you have a desire placed in your heart by God to be in a long-term relationship but you're struggling to navigate the "adult dating" scene, start looking inwardly to recover from anything holding you back. Allow the Holy Spirit to minister to your heart and guide your steps. God doesn't want you to be hurting, lonely or out in the world releasing your pain onto others. The healing journey won't be overnight but joy truly does come in the morning.
I hope this helps someone struggling in the dating pool to find the courage and strength to see themself clearly, flaws and all. God loves every part of you...every broken piece of you. Take it him and let him fuse every part back together stronger than ever. I promise you won't regret it.
Love you all!
Kelley
Bible Verses for Reflection:
Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Assurance that you are never alone in your suffering)
Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (An invitation to find relief and peace through faith).
Isaiah 53:4-5 “Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
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