Hood But Holy

If you saw my post from last night, you witnessed the side of me that I'm not proud of.  The human, angry, somewhat disrespectful side. I may be part of the kingdom of God, but I come from the "south-side" of the kingdom.  I used the words from the bible to essentially berate some people.  That's not me and that negativity isn't what I want to put out into the world, especially not from this blog.  I rationalized it in my mind in the name of being totally "transparent", but that's not what I was doing.  So, that post has been removed.  I apologize to anyone who read that mess.  Instead of rehashing the disrespect and resentment, I'll just tell my part of the story that you didn't get to read.  Total transparency is being brutally honest about an entire situation and understanding that I won't always look like the hero in the end.  

I've shared some verses that God has been sharing with me over the last six months, including 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  I put those verses out on the post last night as a way to beat the perpetrators into biblical submission.  This morning I was reminded that I wasn't showing the kind of love being described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  I'll try to remedy that now.

I stand firm on the belief that there are no coincidences in the people you meet during your time here on earth.  There's one specific person that I knew was divinely placed into my life because of the way we met, the commonalities we shared with our upbringings, past experiences and beliefs.  Some encounters are to bless you and some are to teach you lessons.  Some do both.  This one, for me, showed me so many things I needed to work on internally.  The situation brought me closer to God.  Even though the growth process wasn't painless, I've been blessed during the time we connected.  

The struggles I faced during the few months of the relationship (I use that word loosely) were triggered by personal intimate secrets shared with the wrong person.  Personal experiences were weapons used against me. Shared secrets were turned into reasons why I wasn't good enough, why I wasn't attractive enough, why I couldn't be chosen.  Still I'm better having gone through the experience because of the lessons and the self-improvement skills I've learned.  The person was brought into my life to expose things in me that needed to be healed.  The person was only meant to stay for a season, not forever.  My goal is to always leave people better than before I met them.  Did I do my job?  I don't know.  I hope and pray I did.  That's up to them to decide and not for me to question. 

Now, last night I was angry.  Big mad!  After discovering a very special person to me was going through a similar situation, I reacted. I'm a July baby and I'm very protective of those I care about.   So many beautiful people with loving hearts are shamed for trying to heal from past traumas by the ones who promised safety and love. However, that doesn't give me permission to degrade another because they don't share the same amount of emotional capacity that I have been blessed with.  Instead of becoming a keyboard warrior, I should have prayed about it and done some serious soul searching.  

God blesses each of us with unique attributes that allow us to reach people in ways that no one else could.  For me, it's my heart and the way I show love.  I forget sometimes that just because I look for ways to improve myself, some cannot look in the mirror and face themselves as openly. They deflect instead of introspect.  And that's okay.  I was once that person, too.  I'm different now because of God's help and love.  Actually, that's where love comes in being patient, kind, not prideful, not boastful, not judgemental, etc.  Obviously, I'm not perfect and I know I look like a royal jackass.  I'm still learning. 

If you find yourself in a difficult situation and you're tempted to "take them to the dirt",  pause for a moment to think about 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  I believe it will guide you, just like it guides me.  It's the perfect map for showing God's love to someone truly in need of experiencing it.  

I'm grateful for each of you and thank you for giving me the opportunity to self-reflect and become a better version right in front of you. It's a humbling process.  Be patient with this Jesus loving, imperfect, hood but holy, foul-mouthed lady.  

Love you guys! 
Kelley

P S God doesn't want you to stay in toxic relationships.  His plans for you are far better than anything you can even imagine.   Be grateful for the lessons and blessings.