Finding Myself at 50

This season of life has been more confusing but more rewarding than I ever anticipated.  I'm right on the cusp of turning the BIG 5-0 and I've refused to accept that, until recently.  Let's face it, my life is past the halfway mark, half a century old...what?!?!  How did I get here so fast?!  Have I done enough in these last 49 years?  Do I look 50?  Should I behave differently, more mature, more demure as a 50 year old?  

I've had to face the brutal truth that 50 is quickly approaching and there's nothing I can do to change that.  So, I've accepted my fate and it's been quite liberating to say the least.  You know, my face shows all the signs of middle age and my body is definitely telling me I've earned all my years.  And I'm okay with all of it.  

I think back on the young, shy teen that was afraid to speak up or take chances.  The only thing I really miss about that girl is her innocence.  I'd much rather be in this stage of life.  I've experienced the highest of the highs...getting married, having children, working my way up the corporate ladder, falling in love,  great vacations, gained a daughter, blessed with a grandson, lots of laughter, lots of happy, joyous moments.

I've gone through trials and tribulations.  I've had the rug pulled out from under me multiple times.  I've been down deep in that valley of depression and anxiety, divorced, miscarried a baby, heartbreak, the loss of a beloved parent and then the loss of a beloved father-in-law, car accidents, children problems, etc.  You name it, I've probably experienced it.

Sadly, somewhere along the way, through all the highs and lows, I lost my spark. I've had to do some harsh and painful soul searching, reflect on my past, forgive myself for the things I couldn't change and allow myself grace. My relationship with Jesus is super solid these day, my priorities have shifted and I've found the joy that only he provides once again.  Not to sound egotistical, I realized I like the woman I've become.  I don't need external validations because I know am enough.  I understand what I bring to the table when it comes to jobs and relationships.  And I'm pretty witty...just saying... All of the experiences have shaped me into the person I am now.

I can honestly say at this stage in life, I fully understand that I still have a lot to learn.  I'm aware of my flaws and I own them now, maybe learned to love them a little.  I'm passionate, sometimes dramatic, a free thinker and I can be very direct.  My passion stems from the heart and a desire to change the world for the better for everyone.  My directness comes off harsh and I have to apologize a lot for that. I'm working on that, thank you very much.  My thinking outside the box is part of my creative side and probably my greatest problem solving skill.  I found my inner spark again, my love of life and willingness to give love freely.  I make no apologies for my internal growth. 

Probably my most favorite quote of all time is "Be Yourself.  Everyone Else is Already Taken", Oscar Wilde.  God created each of us in his image but he gave us individual gifts to share with this sometimes cold, dark world.  My heart is my gift and I'm willingly sharing it's contents with each of you.   I'm not perfect and will never be.  But I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be for God's will in my life. 

It's been a hard road to hoe getting to back to me, for sure. The clock is still turning and the years are passing quicker.  Each previous year that has passed came with its challenges and blessings.   Now that I'm hitting my 50th birthday milestone, I've realized that turning another year older is a reason to celebrate, not dread.  It's a gift from God and that means he still has work for me to do on this earth.   I know he has some exciting plans for my future! 

I say CHEERS to 50! (just a few months away). Thank you Lord above for blessing me with the first 49 years.  Thank you Lord for the trials and gifts to come.  Watch out world...you never know what I'll do next! 

Love you all!  God loves you more than me, never doubt that.

Kelley